You know those days when you feel like nobody wants you around, or maybe it is that you don't want t0 be around anyone? Those days when you feel that God wouldn't even be able to love you because you screw up so much and are so unworthy of everything that He has ever promised us.
This past weekend for me was alright. Thats what most people hear from me. What it really has been is one big weekend like I described above. Yes, Happy Thanksgiving. I did have a fairly good time with people at the Williams' for the feast and I am sooo very thankful for their hospitality and willingness to accept Betka and me as part of their family that day. The rest of the weekend for me was spent reflecting on how much I need God's grace just to function in this world.
I don't know if it is by my fault or others, and I do not mean to place blame, but here in Vienna I feel like I belong in the sense that I have a job to do, but as far as relationships go I really have no really solid friendships in place. I am not trying to belittle the friends that the Lord has put in my life, all of you at VCS are wonderful and are so willing to be there. The fact of the matter is that I have nobody that really really seems to care about me as a person, no one that I can truly be real with. It has been my prayer ever since I moved to Vienna that I would have at least one person that I connect with on a spiritual level, someone to keep me accountable. Why? I guess because I know that I am not all that spiritually mature even though I have been walking with the Lord now for the better part of half my life.
One thing that God has beeen teaching me, and I am not one to learn lessons easily, is that I place too much faith in man, and not in Him alone. Through all of the occurrences of the past few months I have realized just how much I rely on man. I was looking forward to being in Vienna before coming here because there would be many more PEOPLE there to care for the needs that I would have. I have been praying for a PERSON to show up and connect with me in a very reall and spiritual way. Sometimes I only think that if I could be in a Bible study with PEOPLE, things would be better. Well, at this point in time I am in a small group that has actually met twice. It doesn't seem to me that there is a bond there yet. I went on a men's retreat and nothing has really happened so far. I guess I don't really know if it is my problem, or just circumstances. I am not asking that this be solved, I am just really trying to learn what the Lord might possibly be trying to teach me here.
So far all I can come up with is that I need to trust Him in times when I feel alone and that nobody cares. That's a really hard thing, for some one that gets energized from being around people, to do. Slowly though I am finding that His grace is sufficient, that He is enough for me in these times. Sure it would be nice to have a small group to really be real in, to share the hurts that I have attained in life, but for now and really always God's Grace is sufficient.
I didn't mean for this post to sound too traumatic, but it is where I am now. As Betka said just yesterday when I was describing this to her, "Well, guess you're really in the second year of God's school." Amen sister. Sometimes I wish I could get a report card to see how I am doing in this course of life, but I guess we only get that when we finish the race and are with Him in glory. God bless you guys.